We Know Our Wings Are Flawed

Sorry i havent been updating the story but i will definitely get something up when the summer holidays start :)

Sorry I haven’t been updating like I said I would. It’s just I have so much stuff to do for school and Im not dealing with things at all atm. I will try update when I can xx

Chapter 4: We Stitch These Wounds

A/N: sorry this is quite short, but next chapter will be longer, i didn’t feel like updating but i promised, its quite shitty though sorry x

-Andy’s POV-

 I woke up in the hospital. I had a splitting headache and my stomach was aching. My vision was blurry but i could see someone at the end of the bed and a couple of people at the side as i turned my head.

"Andy!" I could make out Ashley’s voice. My vision clearing slightly.

"What… what happened?" I didn’t know why i was here or what had happened.

"You dont remember?" Ashley asked me, i shook my head, looking at him closer i could see his face was bruised and his lip was split. What the fuck happened? "Well when we came out of the bar we got jumped by a group of pricks, i phoned jinxx and he came and picked us up and we took you to the hospital, you needed a few stitches in your head and you have a broken nose, a part from that you just have a few scrapes and bruises, and well a concusion" 

"Oh" Even after Ash telling me that i couldn’t remember it. I felt bad for Ashley though, he probably had to keep my fat ass from getting beat up. "Are you okay?"

"Im fine, just a few bruises and a split lip, nothing i cant handle" Ashley smiled at me, "You’ll get discharged tonight hopefully, they just want to make sure your okay cause of the head injury"

I was happy about getting out soon. I hated hospitals, i hated the food, the bed, the stupid hospital gowns… Oh god, they would’ve had to put this on me, they would’ve seen my massive bulging stomach and flabby thighs. It made me feel panicky and i felt like i couldnt breath, i couldnt have a panic attack here, anywhere but here, luckily i quickly calmed myself down, looking at the other two people here, i could see it was Jinxx and Jon, our tour manager. 

"We’re just glad you’re okay Andy" Jinxx smiled.

"Hey im gonna go get something to eat, you coming Jinxx?" Jon asked Jinxx who nodded in reply and they both left the room and went down the hall.

-Ashley’s POV-

Another few hours past before Andy was allowed to leave the hospital, we’d had to rescedual the show for another time, we didn’t think Andy would be able to perform very well after just getting his nose broken. It had scared me, seeing Andy unconscious with blood coming from his nose and head, i was happy he was okay.

Driving back to the hotel was a quiet ride. Jinxx and Jon were in the front whilst me and Andy were in the back. Andy was fast asleep and i was flicking through my twitter, replying to a couple of people.

 Five minutes later we were back at the hotel and i carried Andy out of the car to our room, placing him on the bed. I went into the bathroom and got a couple of paracetamol for Andy’s head and took a couple myself, walking back through i sat on the bed, Andy stirred, “Hey, you okay?”

"Yeah, im fine" he smiled and i handed him the paracetamol, "thanks" he dry swollowed them.

"You’re gonna have a killer headache for a few days" i laughed.

"Great" he replied” sarcastically.

There was a knock at the door and i went over to answer it, a women handed me a tray of food telling me our tour manager had ordered food for both of us, i thank her as she left.

"Hey Andy, got some food for you"

-Andy’s POV-

I panicked as Ashley mentioned food, “Im not hungry”

"Andy, eat something, you were just beat up and haven’t eaten anything, it’s just a burger"

Just a burger? Just a burger?! It wasn’t just a burger, it was fat, it was numbers,  it was grease, it would make me huge and disgusting. It wasn’t just a burger.

"Please just eat it Andy, you need to eat, you’re way too skinny"

"Fine" i took the plate off the tray and just looked at the burger, it made me feel sick just smelling it. Hesitantly i took a bite out of it. Ashley was finished his within a few minutes, it took me half an hour to eat mine. Ashley smiled and put the plate back on the tray which he placed on the cabinet.

I felt gross. I felt full, it was a feeling i highly disliked and it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like bursting into tears. It was turning to fat at this moment, it was making me gain weight. 

"Hey i’ll be back in a few minutes, im away to get a drink, want anything?"

"Um no im fine thanks" i smiled as Ashley left the room, it was a opportunity i wasn’t going to miss. I ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind i tied my hair back and lifted the lid of the toilet, putting my fingers down my throat i hit my gag reflex and heaved, nothing came up, i did it again and some of the food i had just eaten came up. But i wasn’t done, i need ALL of the food out of me, i stuck my fingers down my throat again and this time not just food came up, there was red mixed with the sick and the water. Was that blood?! I quickly threw up the rest of the food, some more blood coming up as well. I started panicking and flushed the toilet.

In the last few years that i’ve been doing this, never have i thrown up blood. Part of me didn’t care, but part of me knew i should stop. 

I sat on the bathroom floor for what seemed like ages, flicking through my titter, reading all the hate. Everything people said was true, i was fat, i was a fag, i was a pathetic piece of shit, i should kill myself. Whats stopping me? No one needs me, no one cares for me, no one would even notice if i was gone. People told me to slit my wrists, i hadn’t done that for years, i sort of missed it though. 

Pulling my knees up to my chest i placed my forehead on my knees and started crying. Why was i so weak and pathetic. 

Sobbing i stood up and unlocked the bathroom door grabbing my bag i rummaged through it for my make up bag, hidden at the bottom was an old friend of mine. Grabbing the silver blade i locked myself in the bathroom again. Looking at myself in the mirror i thought about how ugly i was, how pathetic i was, i was worthless, useless.

Pressing the blade down on my wrist i pushed down harder and slid it across. My skin ripped open and blood bubbled up, dripping into the sink. The feeling it gave me was comforting. I placed the blade above the wound and pressing down i slid it across. I could see the bubbles of fat. I didn’t care. I’d missed this feeling. 

 

 

Sorry

I just want to say im so so so sorry for not posting the next chapter and i haven’t posted anything for a couple of weeks but i have just had no motivation to write anything at the moment and im in a bad place but i will try get the 4th chapter up tomorrow or the day after, promise x

Chapter 3: All Your Hate

 -Ashley’s POV-

 “Andy whats wrong?!” I moved closer to him and put my arm around his shoulders. He leaned into me and put his face into my top, sobbing.

 Andy passed me his phone, his hands shaking. Taking it I looked at his twitter, a lot of the tweets were fans saying how much of an inspiration he was, but a lot of it was hate. Scrolling through it I saw tweets saying how fat Andy was, how shit he was at singing. There was people calling him a fag and telling him to kill himself.

 “Andy, you should know to just ignore them. They’re only trying to get to you and make you feel like this.” I rubbed his arm as he continued to cry into my t-shirt.

 “I can’t… do it… anymore A-ashley”

 “Ignore them. They’re all just pathetic assholes. Don’t even consider that what they’re saying is true Andy, okay? You’re far from being fat, you’re a great singer, don’t let them bring you down, okay?” Andy’s sobbing died down a bit and soon he was just sniffling. He nodded and sat back up, I laughed at him slightly.

 “What?” he asked.

 “You look like a panda” I smiled at him and he ran to the mirror looking at his make up which was all down his face.

 “Jesus Christ I look like shit”

 -Andy’s POV-

 Ashley was right; I did look like a panda. My make up was all down my face and my cheeks were still wet from crying. I can’t believe I’d broken down in front of Ashley, how stupid could I get? I grabbed some make up wipes and took off my eye make up.

 “So do you wanna go look around town or what?” I turned round to face Ashley, I thought about it. Did I really want to go into town? There wasn’t much else I could think of doing.

 “Um I don’t know.” I shrugged.

 “Helpful. Um well we could either look round town or go to the cinema or something. Or we could do both” Ashley smiled at me.

 “Sure, let me just put my make up back on” I smiled at him and grabbed my back, finding my make up before going into the bathroom and putting on eyeliner and eye shadow. Walking out I slipped on a leather jacket instead of my hoodie. Ashley was sitting at the end of the bed typing away on his phone. “Ash you ready?”

 “Yeah, lets go” he jumped up smiling.

 We walked out of the room, locking the door. Walking down the hall and through the main lounge, we got some funny stares from a few people, but nothing we weren’t used to. Thank god we were on the bottom floor I don’t think I could handle stairs. It was fairly warm outside and the sun made me squint.

 “What you wanna do first? Cinema or look around town?” Ashley smiled at me as we walked down the road, trying not to bump into anyone.

 “How about the cinema then town” I smiled back. I liked spending time with Ashley. Just me and him. I knew our relationship wouldn’t go any further than just friends. Why would he want to be with me anyway? But I guess I can still hope.

 Sounds like a plan, oh and I heard there’s a new batman movie out” Ashley winked at me and I couldn’t contain my excitement.

 

 After having gotten to the cinema and bought tickets, Ashley bought food and I just bought some diet coke, we went into the movie and I was excited to see the film. Well why wouldn’t I be, I loved batman. Probably a bit too much. After an hour and a half it ended and we walked outside, I didn’t shut up about how good the film was and Ashley just laughed at me.

  “So look around town yeah?”

 “Yeah sure” I looked at ash and smiled slightly

 “Maybe we can go get a drink or two as well” he smirked and winked at me. I hid behind my hair, blushing.

 We had a quick look around the town, looking in a few shops. There wasn’t that much to look at so we went off to one of the bars for a drink. I looked around inside the bar, feeling nervous. People would be looking at me and thinking how ugly and fat I was. I could feel my chest tighten slightly as my anxiety got worse.

 “Go sit down and I’ll get us some drinks” Ashley smiled and walked up to the bar whilst I found a booth to sit in. Hoping not many people could see me here.

  A few minutes later Ashley came over and put down two glasses and sat down. He gulped down almost half of his in one whilst I took slightly smaller sips of mine. I looked around nervously.

 “Andy, relax, no one looking at you” Ashley looked at me, looking concerned and worried. Why was he even bothering to worry? I wasn’t worth his time, or anyone’s time.

 Ashley managed to distract me by talking about batman, and believe me when I say I could talk about batman forever. We then went on to talking about tomorrows show and then Ashley got onto the subject of me crying earlier on.

 “I don’t wanna talk about it” I looked down at the table, annoyed at myself that I’d ended up crying in front of Ashley. I was Andy Biersack, I wasn’t supposed to let the hate get to me. But that wasn’t the case.

  “Andy, im really worried about you” Ashley sighed “I’ll go get some more drinks”

 We spent another couple hours in the bar talking and drinking. I started to relax a lot more as the alcohol started making me feel tipsy. I liked the drunk me a lot more. I was slightly more confident and outgoing. It took a lot more for Ashley to get drunk though, so he wasn’t as tipsy as me.

 “Come on we should get going, we have an early start tomorrow” Ashley laughed at me and we stood up, walking out of the bar. The air was a lot colder now than it had been earlier, and it was getting dark.

 “Ashley, which way is the hotel again?” I looked around; I couldn’t even remember how we’d gotten here. Everything looked different when it was dark.

 “Andy, really” Ashley rolled his eyes “Follow me and don’t get lost” he chuckled.

 Just as we started walking we heard a group of people behind us, I turned to look at them and it looked like some group of teenagers. Ashley pushed me along with hid hand, obviously not wanting to hang about.

 “Hey, you fags!” The group shouted at me and Ashley. I turned round again, stopping completely this time, Ashley turned round as well.

 “What did you say” Ashley said through gritted teeth.

 “I said, hey, you fags” The guy at the front laughed, I gulped, my anxiety building up again. I didn’t like this, one little bit.

 “You better watch what you say you cunt” Ashley walked towards the guy. Ashley would clearly win in a fight. He was a lot more muscular than the skinny looking guy, and im sure Ashley had been in a lot of fights when he was younger.

 “What did you call me you asshole?”

 “I called you a cunt, got a problem” Ashley didn’t budge. He stood still, smirking. This was going to end so badly, I knew it.

 Before Ashley could see what was coming the guy punched him in the jaw. “Ashley!” I ran over but found myself falling to the ground as one of the guys punched me in the gut. I lay on the ground wounded and struggling to breath, clutching my stomach”

 “You piece of shit, we’ll teach you what happens when you call us a cunt” Ashley got up and right hooked the guy. He got him right on the temple and managed to get the guy to the ground. Kicking him in the gut a few times.

 “A-ashley” I managed to get out his name and he came over kneeling down, “behind you” he looked at me confused then spun round and got punched on the chest, it didn’t really do much to him. Him and one of the group got into a fist fight and I forced myself up off the ground. Punching one of the 4 guys in the jaw he stumbled back. The guy who had called us fags was still on the ground, Ashley had knocked him out. The guy came at me again and managed to hit me in the nose, I could feel blood running down my lips before I could taste the iron.

 Suddenly my vision went blurry as something smashed against my head, putting my hand to my head I looked at it and saw red. Someone punched me in the gut and I fell to the ground. Blacking out. 

 

 

Chapter 2: Its What We Hide With Every Lie

 I woke up to the sound of Ashley singing in the shower. A smile crept onto my lips. He had such a nice voice. I sat up and just listened to him, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my head on them. I began to think about what I felt for Ash. I did like him. I’d liked him for a while but why would he like me? He liked women. Not fat disgusting men like me.

 “Andy you okay?” I jumped not noticing Ashley standing there with a towel rapped round his waist.

 “Uh, yeah” I gave him a quick smile.

 “You better go shower, we’re having breakfast soon”

 I sighed and got up. I didn’t want to eat. They couldn’t make me, could they? It would only make me fatter. Taking off my batman pyjama bottoms and vest top I got into the shower and washed my hair as quickly as I could. I started to feel slightly dizzy and had to lean against the wall. Taking in deep breaths I turned off the shower and got out, wrapping the towel round my waist and grabbing another towel to dry my hair slightly.

-Ashley’s POV-

 Andy walked out of the bathroom just as I had finished getting changed and drying my hair. I looked over at him and I could see how skinny he was. You could see all his ribs, his hipbones stuck out and I was pretty sure you could clearly see his spine. I worried about Andy. He hardly ate and had trouble sleeping. Last night had freaked me out. It had taken ages for Andy to finally calm down. I’d been around him when he’d had smaller panic attacks but last night was one of the worst.

 “How long till breakfast Ash?”

 “Um an hour I think” As I answered him I could see he gulped and started looking a lot more nervous. “Why?”

 “Uh, just wondering. Are you finished with the hair dryer?”

 “Yeah here” I handed it to him and he sat on the bed, drying his thick jet black hair. As he sat down I could see how much his spine showed. It scared me. He was literally just wearing away. I sighed and went over to Andy’s bag, throwing him over a pair of skinny jeans and one of his many slightly ripped up band t-shirts. “I’ll wait downstairs for you”

 “Okay, I’ll be down in like ten minutes or something” I smiled at him and walked out grabbing a hoodie on the way and throwing it on.

-Andy’s POV-

 I heard the door click as Ashley shut it behind him. I finished off drying my hair before styling it. Slipping on my black skinny jeans and the t-shirt Ash had thrown at me. I walked over to my back and raked through it, finding a black hoodie and slipping it on.

 We had a whole free day today, which was always nice. We just had time to do whatever we wanted. Ash and I had already decided to check out town but I just wanted to sleep all day. My eyes were heavy and my head hurt like a bitch. I walked into the bathroom and searched the cupboards, finally finding some ibuprofen and swallowing two with some water from the sink. It never seemed to help but I took it anyway. Walking back into the room I put on my black boots and grabbed the key before leaving the room and locking the door.

 All the guys had already ordered breakfast and Ashley had ordered a plate of food for me. Great. I sat down at the empty space across from Ash. Looking at the plate of food all I could see was how greasy it was and how fat it would make me. Sure they didn’t expect me to eat this?

 “Andy eat something, please?” I looked across the table to see Ashley looking at me. “Please just some of it”

 “I’m not that hungry”

 “Andy you didn’t eat fuck all yesterday, just eat a little of it.” Ashley wasn’t asking me to eat it anymore, he was telling me.

 I hesitated slightly. He couldn’t force feed me. Why does he even want me to eat anyway? I bet he wants to make me fat. He didn’t suspect anything did he? He always commented on how I was too skinny and never eat. Maybe if I eat some of this it’ll stop him from suspecting anything. Slowly I cut into the fried egg that was on the plate. It took me almost ten minutes just to eat the white of the egg.

 “Jesus Christ Andy, you are the slowest eater I’ve ever seen” Jake chuckled. I just rolled my eyes in response.

 It took me another 5 minutes to eat one of the tomatoes and I decided I was done. I wasn’t going to eat anymore. No way. I could feel the food going down towards my stomach where it would turn into fat. I could feel myself panicking and I had to do it.

 “I, um, need to go to the toilet” I stood up and walked away from the guys, speed walking back to my room and locking the door.

 Walking into the bathroom I flipped up the toilet seat and knelt down. Leaning over the toilet I put my pointer finger and my middle finger down my throat, gagging as it got to my gag reflex. I gagged a couple of times before I could feel some of the food coming back up. Coughing I stuck my two fingers down my throat again, the stomach acid making my mouth burn slightly. I made sure I got everything up. I couldn’t forget any of it or else it would just turn into disgusting fat. I sat on the floor for a while, just trying to calm myself down. My mouth tasted disgusting and the smell of the vomit was really not pleasant. If any of the guys found out about this I don’t know what I’d do. What would they do? Would they send me to some hospital to be fed through a tube? Would they just disown me?

 It didn’t matter. I’d make sure they don’t find out. I’ll be sneaky about it, they don’t have to be bothered by my problems anyway. They probably wouldn’t even care if they found out.

 The room door opened and I jumped up, quickly locking the bathroom door. I’d completely forgotten Ashley had his own key to the room. Fuck. I flushed the toilet and cleaned round the edge, putting the toilet seat back down. I washed the vomit off my hands and sprayed air freshener to try cover up the smell of it.

 “Andy, you alright in there?” Ashley shouted from behind the bathroom door.

 “Yeah!”

 I flushed the toilet one more time just to make sure there wasn’t any sick. Opening the door I was faced by Ash.

 “What were you doing in there?” he raised an eyebrow at me.

 “I needed the toilet. I did say…” I shrugged and walked past him, falling onto the bed I check my phone. I had one text from Ashley saying ‘what do you want for breakfast’. Oops. I replied with ‘bit late now’. Ashley’s phone went off and he looked at it. He smiled and rolled his eyes, sitting next to me on the bed. He took me by surprise when he grabbed my hand and started examining my knuckles.

 “Andy, what’s all the scratches on your knuckles from? It looks like you’ve punched a wall or something.” Sudden realisation washed over me. Fuck. I always scraped my knuckles against my teeth whenever I purged, so they usually got all scratched and scabby.

 “Oh, uh, I don’t know, I think I just hit it off a wall or something” I shrugged it off but Ashley looked at me and just sighed.

 -Ashley’s POV-

 I grabbed Andy’s hand and started looking at his knuckles. There was scratches all over them, some clearly newer and some slightly scabbed. I was curious about it but also worried about what it was from.

 “Andy, what’s all the scratches on your knuckles from?” He seemed slightly shocked by the questions and had to think before he gave me an answer.

 “Oh, uh I don’t know, I think I just hit it off a wall or something” Andy shrugged and I knew he was lying. He wouldn’t have taken that long to give me a truthful answer. I could tell he had to think about it before hand. It just got me more worried about him. He was the youngest out of the band and I felt like it was my job to take care of him. Although he was 19 he still seemed a lot younger. He just seemed so vulnerable. The Andy people saw on stage was a completely different Andy to the one off stage. On the stage Andy seemed more alive. His bright blue eyes had that shine in it that I seemed to have grown to love. He was a lot more outgoing and confident on stage. But it was a completely different story to when he was off. He just seemed so self conscious. His eyes were dull and his movements were laggy. He also never seemed to truly smile like he did on stage. It was always the quick little smile or the smile you could tell wasn’t genuine. I found it difficult not to worry about the boy. I knew I had some kind of feelings for Andy but I didn’t want to accept them. I mean, I was Ashley Purdy, I was supposed to like women. So why did I feel the way I did for Andy?

 Andy was flicking through his phone, most likely on twitter. I looked at him and saw him flinch. The corners of his mouth drooped lower.

 “Andy, you okay?” he looked up at me. It looked like he was away to answer then he stopped. Dipping his head low, he burst into tears. 

Chapter 1: Sit Down With Thoughts Alone Now

  We walked off stage hearing the fans screaming. Our war paint had run down our bodies or come off from sweating so much on stage.

 “Great show guys” I gave them a wide smile.

 “Okay guys we’re getting to stay in a hotel tonight-“ Jon out tour manager was cut off by CC cheering and jumping up and down, “-and we’re going to get some food before hand so be on the bus in 10” Jon walked off leaving us to pack our instruments up and head to the bus.

 I was first on the bus, sitting down on the couch and letting out a sigh. My head hurt and my limbs felt slightly shaky. I grabbed a diet coke from the fridge and sat back down.

 “hey Biersack, catch” Ashley chucked a ball at me, nearly making me spill my drink.

 “Fuck Ash, where did you even get that” I raised an eyebrow at him.

 He just shrugged, “it was lying about so I picked it up and decided to chuck it at you” he gave me one of his Purdy smiles; I felt myself blush slightly and hid behind my hair. 

 The bus jolted to a start and Ashley got a bottle of jack from the fridge and sat next to me turning on the TV and putting on some reality TV show I couldn’t be bothered with. So I flicked through my phone checking my tweets, replying to a couple of people. The fans tweeted about enjoying the show which made me smile, although, there was also people saying shit. I tried not to let it get to me, but in all honesty it did, it really did. But I couldn’t let anyone know that. I’m Andy Biersack; it shouldn’t get to me, right?

 I was brought back to reality by Ashley nudging my shoulder, “Andy are you deaf, come on, we’re about to get food.” I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat the rubbish they were about to eat. The greasy, fat, disgusting food they wanted to eat had no appeal to me.

I stood up and followed behind Ashley, we still had some of our war paint on but we had gone into many places covered in it, so we were used to the stares we got. Although it always made me feel uncomfortable and that people were looking at how fat I was.

 “You want anything Andy?” I heard Jon say, everyone had ordered and I had no idea what to say.

 “Uh, I’m fine, I’m not hungry” I gave Jon a quick smile and he turned back to the counter, paying for the order.

 We sat down and I watched as everyone tucked in to their greasy food. It just looked so disgusting, how could they eat that? Surely they knew how unhealthy it was? Didn’t they?

 I stood up and said I was going out to smoke, they all just nodded. Sitting down outside I took out my lighter and cigarettes, lighting one up. I went through three cigarettes in 5 minutes. Smoking calmed me down, so I smoked a lot when I felt anxious or stressed. I heard footsteps beside me and they sat down. I knew it was Ashley, it smelt like him.

 “You okay Biersack?”

 “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be” I smiles at him.

 He shrugged. “You not hungry? I thought you’d be after doing a show like that…” He looked worried, why would he be worried? He didn’t suspect anything did he?

 “Nah, I feel slightly sick and I feel like eating will make it worse” I tried to sound like I wasn’t lying.

 “Okay then well Jon says the rest of the guys will be 10 minutes so you wanna head back to the bus?”

 “Sure” I stood up brushing off my black skinny jeans. Ashley stood up a second later and we headed to the bus.

 Ashley and I  fell asleep on the couch and were woken up by CC poking us in the sides.

“CC you asshole you made me shit myself!” I’d shouted. Ashley just laughed and took a swig of Jack Daniels.

 The bus started again and we headed towards the hotel we were staying in. I was happy to be sleeping in an actual bed and not one of the bunks in the bus. But the hotel was half an hour away so I put in my earphones and turned the volume right up whilst drawing batman on a piece of paper. I looked and my finger and thought to myself about how fat and chubby they looked. How could anyone ever find me in any way attractive? I was repulsive. I couldn’t even look at myself without feeling sick, how could anyone else look at me and not think the same?

 “Andy I swear you’re going fucking deaf!” Ashley was right in my face, making me jump.

 “Sorry, I was just… thinking”

 “Yeah, well get your shit, we’re at the hotel, you can do your thinking in the hotel room.”

 I grabbed a bag with clothes and some stuff I need in it to take to the room with me. I walked out the bus and was met with the rest of the guys. We walked into the hotel and went to the reception, Jon collected the room keys.

 “CC and I to a room, Jake and Jinxx to a room and Andy and Ashley to a room” he handed us the keys “oh and breakfast is at 9 guys. You have a free day tomorrow so go enjoy it” We were all happy we had a free day tomorrow and could just relax. Ashley and I had already said we’d wanted to check out town.

 I followed Ashley to our room and he unlocked the door. We walked in to see a double bed, a balcony and a pretty nice bathroom. Ashley flopped onto the bed and I chucked my bag down, sitting on the end of the bed and turning the TV on, flicking through the channels. I swear all that was on TV nowadays was the news and reality TV.

 “Hey Andy” I turned to see Ashley holding a batman dvd, I smiled and grabbed the dvd. Ashley chuckled, “We can watch it after we have a shower”

  —

 After we’d both had a shower and I’d gotten into batman pyjama bottoms and a black vest top, Ashley just wore his boxers and a vest top, we both lay on the bed and watched the movie. I pretty much knew it word for word.

 After a couple of hours the movie finished and Ashley turned the TV off, “lets get some sleep, then we can go look around tomorrow” he smiled.

 “Okay” I yawned, getting under the covers, soon joined by Ashley.

He turned off the bedside lamp and we both tried to sleep. It took me quite a bit longer than Ashley to fall asleep. My head was too full of thoughts and I couldn’t stop over thinking. I started thinking about whether I actually deserved to be alive. Surely no one actually liked me. I sighed, looking over at Ashley, I could just make out his face in the dark. I had to admit I did have feelings for Ash, but why would he feel the same way for me? He was only interested in someone if they had a huge ass and tits. I didn’t have any of that. I was just a fuck up. A fat disgusting piece of shit. Why would Ashley ever feel the same way towards me as I did towards him.

 —

 I woke up panting and covered in sweat. I started shaking and I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt constricted, as if someone was pressing down on it, and I felt sick.

 “A-ashley” I stammered.

 Ashley turned the light on to turn around and find me shaking and breathing heavily and fast. I was rocking back and forth. My eyes wide and I was crying.

 “Fuck, Andy whats wrong” He moved closer and I jumped, screaming. “Andy shhh, its okay, breath nice and slowly okay…”

 I tried to breath slowly, but I just felt like I couldn’t breath and panicked again. I was properly crying now and grabbed my hair pulling at it. I couldn’t breath, I felt like something was pushing down on my chest and I kept dry heaving every few minutes, “Ashley…i-I cant…b-breathe” I managed to say. Ashley slowly moved closer towards me and I started panicking more.

 “Andy calm down okay, try and breathe slowly, please, just try breathe, in… and out…”

 It was another twenty minutes before I eventually calmed down. Ashley got me a glass of water and told me to take small sips. I set it to the side and leaned against the wall, letting out a sigh, “Sorry I woke you up Ash” I looked down.

 “Hey its fine, we have a free day remember, we don’t have to be up that early” he smiled and got back under the covers, I did the same. “Come here”, he opened his arms and I shuffled over, putting my head into his chest, he wrapped his arms round my shoulders and rubbed up and down my back. I felt safe in Ashley’s arms, and he made me feel like I had someone.